She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
