My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
