Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
