I could make wine with my vomit
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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