I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
