I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
