How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
