Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long