You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
