i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
