Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
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Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
3pm strippers are depressing
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
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We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle