You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
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Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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