I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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