I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
