I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
