Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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