I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Randomize
