I can text with my tongue
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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