Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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