I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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