just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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