You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
