Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's the barista slut.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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