there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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