We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
