all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
