how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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