420 ftw
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
