I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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