I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
