we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
