You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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