It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
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all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
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He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.