allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
