if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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