turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
