he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
