My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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