since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
