And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
