textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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