my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
