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his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
