What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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