Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
