there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
