she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
