I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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