Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
