how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
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I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
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I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm sobbing to NWA
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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