Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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