i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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