mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
