I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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