I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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