got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
