I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
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COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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