the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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