This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
