well I can't set my house on fire every night
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
