why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
