I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
