dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
